F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You Might Also Like
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
still the best tweet of the year by far
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS