I don’t get marriage
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My what?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My dating profile:
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please