Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.