OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
He’s dead
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Well well well…
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
accurate
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
(True)
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water