ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
one of
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.