My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”