Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!