“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
You Might Also Like
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
waiting for halloween be like:
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.