Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.