[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.