Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
You Might Also Like
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco