Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time