If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
the #horror is real!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.