I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Mornin
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school