I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
yea so i messed up lol
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.