*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone