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love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.