paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
You Might Also Like
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Leaving the Barbers like
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*