Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉