Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I just ran a .003048K
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*