remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.