Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
🤣could you imagine
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.