[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.