It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Erm I’m gonna say no
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You’ll be OK
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
This cat wants you to take your pills