ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.