I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
at ease…shoulder.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”