If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making