That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”