I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Why soy sad?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…