I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Inside you there are two wolves