Sharon I have some bad news
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There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.