not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
You Might Also Like
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.