I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.