My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree