My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.