Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
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Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow