I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
how much for the angry fruit?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.