My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
You Might Also Like
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”