Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
who called it hell and not heaven’t
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Best seat on the street 😍
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments