To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.