They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
can’t catch a break
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
marvel comics have peaked
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.