Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
There is no “we” in pizza
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant