I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Worst perfume name ever.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*