THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”