I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
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People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]