With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?