[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME