*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
You Might Also Like
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Effort made
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?