Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!