Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Lmaoo 😂
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain